"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
