so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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