I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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