You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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