yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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