I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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