I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
