My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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