like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
