So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
