So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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