Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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