I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
