"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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