Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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