I'm going to jail i love you
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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