Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
