I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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