I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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