The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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