Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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