I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
