his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
