There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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