I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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