mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
