cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
