I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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