Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
