he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
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