My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
