I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
