How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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