I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
