I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
