tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
