So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
