just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
