You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
