then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
