i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
