i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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