I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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