i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
