I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
