I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
