it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
