Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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