i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
