my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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